If everyone jumped off a bridge, no, I wouldn’t also do so. More than likely I’d end-up standing there watching and moaning about how I can’t afford to jump off a bridge, or about how my leg hurts and that’s stopping me, or probably there’s be some sort of ‘my arms are too short to grab the cross-bar to swing out on’ complaint. This may sound like I’m actually avoiding the jumping, but it’s actually a way of “getting one up” on the people who are doing the jumping and, thus, getting more attention for myself in the process. Which, mostly, is what we’re about to engage in, only using the year of 2011 as a basis of examination, rather than jumping off a bridge.

Cheered-up yet? Don’t worry, it’ll get dour soon enough.

After probably over two years of un-interrupted hair growth, a haircut.

Publishing & Frustration

If anything can be said to be “what 2011 has taught me”, it’s that one should either have tonnes of cash to force your plan to come to fruition in a small amount of time, or you shouldn’t have any delusions about being successful to any degree beyond a tiny amount. Publishing is under-going a massive re-structuring in how it gets stories to people, who controls what, and even how they make money at all. Thinking “yes, well, I’m small enough to bounce when necessary and adapt as fast as required, plus I’m already starting from the idea that eBooks are ‘good’ and they need to be priced as though they’re Mass Market Paperbacks”, I wasn’t too worried about breaking even eventually on things.

Sadly, I’m in the same situation as publishers at any size of operation are: doing badly financially.

The autumn saw two more books published by Atomic Fez Publishing, both by Canadian authors. They are Dirk Danger Loves Life by Chris Rothe, as well as Terribilis by Carol Weekes. Sales of both have been fairly solid, including a substantial order from Canada’s high-street bookshop, Chapters/Indigo/Cole’s (which is actually a mixed blessing, and click this link to learn why). So, good!

“Terribilis” and “Dirk Danger Loves Life” upon arrival

Once the books were delivered, there was still some time to get myself organised properly with them in time for them to be on sale at VCon Nº36, as well as adverts for them in the programmes of that event, plus the British Fantasy Society’s annual “FantasyCon” the same week-end, plus the UK editions of Terribilis in hard-cover were ready in time for that same event. Hooray!

During the BFS “FantasyCon”, Atomic Fez was in the running for two awards: “Best Small Press (2010)” and “Best Novella (2010)” for one of its books, Ponthe Oldenguine by Andrew Hook. There were also a few other categories and titles Atomic Fez showed-up in as part of the ‘long list’ of nominated books for people to vote for. To make it into the shortlist in the first year you qualify for consideration is pretty good (and Atomic Fez is the first non-UK publisher to be ‘shortlisted’ for “Best Small Press” as far as I can tell), and there was one other author being considered by a BFS Awards committee which is the sort of thing they don’t announce. So that’s good too! Unfortunately I couldn’t interest the media in talking to me about that at all, even in a slow news period, and even considering one of the other novellas in the running for that award was 1922 by Stephen King, and he didn’t win either.

Additionally, I contracted a PR person to help me with marketing, media relations, and other things that I hadn’t a clue about, and she did a bang-up job in the early months of 2011. The difference she made didn’t manifest itself until the last half of the year, but the effect she’s had shows-up in the fact that Chapters/Indigo/Cole’s didn’t give a sweet fuck about my books until she worked her magic. Additional things she beat me for until I did them was to get copies of some back-titles out to readers through a contest over on GoodReads.com, copies of the two new titles out through that same process as well as LibraryThing.com. 

At the same time, though, sales dropped tremendously, no matter what I did. Advertising didn’t seem to do much; at least not more than have people visit the site more. I’ve always considered advertising as a “long game”, with the notion of repetitive exposure being the key to eventual sales increase. Visit the site though people did, part with their money they did not. Even deep sales of 50% or more, as well as transatlantic distribution centres to reduce postage costs, didn’t seem enough to interest people in September. 

Bronze Fennel

So, with the end of this year, and a continual smash on our household finances causing us to hit the limits on all of our available credit and no further allowances for extending that any more, I’m now seeking a ‘day job’ to provide as much cash as possible in order to pour funds into the coffers of Atomic Fez. “Selling out” might be the best description, really.

I’m sick and bloody tired of trying to be my own man, frankly. Over the past quarter-century I’ve often been entrepreneurial out of sheer necessity, but mostly due to me not being drawn to the life of a veal-kennel-living worker-drone. Thus, I’ve been a professional photographer, a retail store owner, an actor and arts-journalist, and now editor and publisher. I’ve probably made far more “working for The Man” in retail, and when with the BC civil service as a file clerk, than all of those others combined. Most of one’s life is supposed to be spent being self-supporting and ensuring that society’s less-well-off are provided for properly; whether through tax payments or charitable donations. So far I’ve spent the vast majority of my working life with so poorly an income that I’ve not paid a cent in taxes (although with no “deductions at source”, so there’s been no refund cheques either), and – being in my late-40s now – I’m sick and bloody tired of it. If spending the daytime hours making someone else rich through my effort means I get enough money every fortnight I can do what I bloody want the rest of the time – and not have to make do with either not having something or having crap instead – then it’ll mean I’ll be free to actually see a film occasionally, have a suit that’s newer than my current 15-year-old one (and it was bought at a consignment store, so who knows how old it was already), and maybe even not rely on the generosity of others for ability to do just about anything.

Still, given the amount of effort that’s gone into the earlier endeavours of my own, it’s damned frustrating that none of them actually paid off, and the declaration by Kevin O’Leary that “if a business hasn’t turned a profit by two years, take that dog out behind the shed and shoot it” is something that either makes me weep or wish to punch the guy in the face for saying. Still, it haunts my mind daily, especially as it could very well be the right approach to take for all I know.

Movies Galore

During the rest of the year, I watched movies galore in order to teach myself something about story and structure of it therein. As having never taken an English degree (or a degree of any kind at all, actually), the ability to examine a story and not only know if something doesn’t work, but know why it doesn’t work, has been done based on a combination of reading experience, text examination as an actor, and pure gut-instinct. Being sure I was making adjustments to a story without merely making it match my eclectic and esoteric tastes was something I’ve lacked. Thus, I jammed as many well-regarded movies and TV series into my eye-balls as I could. There’s a lot of films I’ve missed through lack of opportunity or due to considering them “beneath me” for various reasons, but their influential natures are coming to surface in too many things I’m working with as an editor that I could no longer ignore them, in my view. The end result of this effort is recorded in the reviews here on this site, which number over one hundred in quantity (and there’s a bunch I’ve not reviewed during the past year). I’ll probably continue to do it into next year, as it’s a good way to focus one’s views of the film and re-enforce the lessons in structure the stories might teach.

My conclusion early-on in this effort was that, to be successful, a story requires only three things: a solid plot, some developed characters, little bit of action (minimal, even, but at least a bit), and you can mix in with them any story-form, genre, or influence you want. Miss out one of those three, or get the balance wrong, and you’re screwed.

Case in point: the three-part series under The Matrix banner, which got an entirely wrong balance in the final two films, which contain a complete shortage of plot and character but oodles of action, and I found the them to be so generally pointless that their simple existence was insufficiently justified. The first one ion the series was not only the best re-telling of the New Testament I’ve ever seen, and was so perfectly structured in its story and character arc that stopping right there would have been far better than anything else. But the film made too much money, and Hollywood can’t leave “well enough” alone, and need to rape it for all the opportunities it might offer.

An interesting thing to note about the “Matrix Trilogy” is that the gross box office receipts for the first film were $171,479,930 (as of 26 September 1999), with an estimated production budget of $63 million; the second film’s gross was $281,492,479 (as of 26 October 2003), on an estimated budget of $150 million; and the gross for the third was $139,259,759 (as of February 2004) for a film with an estimated budget of $110 million [all figures are $US]. Thus, we have three films made for $323 million making a gross income of $592,232,168, thus supposedly netting $269,232,168, and that’s just the films at the box office during their initial wide-release; there’s still the DVD releases of each film – and don’t forget the box-set, anniversary, and BLU-RAY editions – plus distribution of the film itself after those initial cinema receipts. Now for the bizarre part: none of the films have ever formally posted a profit. Ever. This is a prime example of Hollywood Accounting, which sufficiently screws with the financial records so that they never have to pay someone a part of the profits; just look at Art Buchwald’s experience for further proof.

Crocus sativus (“The Safron Crocus”)

Key films for various reasons: Star Wars Episodes I-III; Kurosawa’s Ran and The Seven Samurai, as well as Yojimbo; the “Man With No Name” trilogy from Sergio Leone; the Brothers Coen, for demonstrating they do nearly all noir films, but in a minimalist fashion, Spartacus, for the commentary track with the scene-by-scene detailed memo from the writer about why bits were required to shore-up character and plot points; the Bond series to appreciate how well made the early ones were, as well as how each of the films add to a continuous influence of tales reflecting the politics of the times; the series of “Planet of the Apes” and “Alien” films for demonstrating how action and SF can co-exist with intelligence, as well as the latter for introducing me to the brilliance of David Fincher; 2001: A Space Odyssey and Doctor Stranglelove (or “How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb) for demonstrating the range of Stanley Kubrick’s talent, back-to-back (the comedy was released in 1964 and the SF-film was his next film, in 1968).

Summary

So… there we are: 2011. The only things that I seemed to do well returned no income, and that’s been the pattern for me since leaving high school. Stunning. 

So I look to 2012 to provide me with an income derived through the anonymity of working for other people as a tiny cog in a massive machine which probably contributes to the continual division of the ‘rich’ and the ‘poor’ becoming more and more cavernous every day. Pardon me whilst I leave you to search for a corporate teat from which to suckle.

Bitter? Me? Hell no! That’s not a strong enough word, for one thing…

Having come to know Cherie Priest first (through a convention) and the books she writes as a result of thinking “this is a wonderful person”, it’s quite possible that I was pre-destined to like this book as much as I enjoyed the previous book of hers read, Boneshaker. That said, Dreadnought is not the same book, but is just the same level of fascinating read. While last year’s book was set in a small geographic area and stressed character and rules of the world over action (while still including the latter very much), Dreadnought covers nearly half of the USA geographically (as the heroine rushes to the side of her dying father) as a plenitude of dangers attempt to block her travels.

This might sound a bit patronizing, but isn’t intended to: Priest writes the best action scenes I’ve ever seen from a female author, bar none. In order to qualify that statement, I’ll further say that this is among some of the very best action-based narrative I’ve ever read, including Desmond Bagley and Ian Flemming. It’s often thought that woman either can’t or don’t write action scenes, but this is bumf; it’s just more ‘manly’ to have people zipping around and shooting at each other, that’s all.

Strong female characters with Father Issues seem to be recurring themes of Ms Priest’s, and this novel is the same, with the protagonist being both a young war-widow and her father becoming estranged from the family when she was quite young; her previous novel having similar aspects to it. This is where the parallels end, however, and we have an entirely different sort of woman to root for in Dreadnought: one who must learn to act, to trust her instinct, and to take chances far in excess than she might have even imagined before. Previously a nurse acting as part of a team, in many ways now she must lead and directly influence the decisions of others.

An exceedingly wonderful book, filled with rich detail, setting, and characterization. An action-based plot to keep one interested, and train-based technology that I happen to have a fascination for. Bits of humour here and there, some zombies, plus some Civil War politics that I’d never quite got a handle on before now.

This is a book that’s good for just about anyone, but especially for a young woman who might be looking for a role model of ingenuity, resourcefulness, and down-right solid moral code.

WARNING: some language, but no more that you’ll hear standing around a 7 – 11 for about twenty minutes, or watching the occasional TV show after 9:00 pm.

Once upon a time I had fairly good luck with things. I was quite young, yes, but there was nary a contest nor chance which I could enter or encounter which didn’t work to my favor. Rolling dice would result in repeated cries of “YAHTZEE!”; selecting a number in a range would provide the huge gift; and once I was returning from a guided tour of a Canadian Armed Forces Naval vessel, complete with barbeque on the aft deck, which was a prize awarded by the local daily paper that some small number of entrants won, when I told a joke to a disc-jockey in a department store and received a t-shirt for the recently released movie Star Wars (which was far too large for me so my Father wore it instead).

Yes, that was 1977, and those of you who are born after that time can shut your screech-holes before they get filled with Quick-Crete®.

Since that time, my luck seems to have pretty-much disappeared entirely. The litany of things which went ‘wrong’ would be sufficiently long to fill the internet entirely, so let’s just say “it was a lot” and leave it at that, shall we?

Tuesday seems to have been either an official declaration that the drought has come to an end, or at least a statement of the luck returning in some fashion or degree of existence.

A contest I entered weeks ago (and promptly forgot about) reached its ‘draw-date’ and I won one of the prizes. It was co-sponsored by Best Buy and BC Hydro, and arranged by the local blogger Miss 604 as part of “Power Smart Month”, a period in the year that one is reminded about using electricity and other power sources intelligently and with an eye to reducing the amount to that being actually required. I expected to win some Compact Fluorescent Light-Bulbs, or perhaps a coupon for reducing the cost of a low-power lamp, heater, or something along these lines. However, the results were far more than this. I am to receive the Grand Prize of a 46″, 3D-Ready, LED, Flat-Screen Television; a 3D-Capable, Blu-Ray Player featuring Full HD 3D processing for 3D viewing in high definition, complemented by up to 7.1 channels of spectacular surround sound, and with Ethernet and wireless connectivity; plus a 3D Starter Kit containing two pairs of 3D glasses and a copy of Monsters vs. Aliens (3D Blu-Ray); all of which is to be set-up by the Geek Squad in their advanced setup install which includes wall mounting, wire concealing and full audio setup for a complete living room set up that both looks fantastic and maximizes the TV viewing experience. If you’re wondering why all of that is part of a “Power Smart” promotion, all of the components receive a “Energy Star Rating” of 4.0.

Well… a bit more than a light-bulb or two, eh?

Shortly thereafter, I received an e-mail from A Very Famous Writer Person providing their home address to which, yes, they would be happy to get some books from me in my Atomic Fez mode. Hurray! How wonderful to be able to (hopefully, anyway) get some decent, earth-shattering exposure! Lord knows I can bloody-well use it right now, as the world’s economy continues to have its horrible way with sales figures.

So… two.

Then, suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly, the Premier of the Province of British Columbia announces he’s asking the Liberal Party to hold a leadership convention as soon as it’s able, as he’s stepping down. Some may recall that recently this blog had a quite bitter and cynical rant about how I no longer could rationally state my support of the government office as being a complicated one to judge from the outside the actions of the owner of the position. “There’s lots of things that are tough to know about from an outsider’s perspective” was the approach mostly taken, but the number of times things by Gordon Campbell pushed me to a position of “no politician can be trusted in any fashion” had reached the point of no return, and he was solely to blame for this.

And… there’s three, then.

I can’t wait for the next triumvirate of grand success.

Here’s a run through of this week’s, minus any identification of the scribbling writer-boy.

According to this piece on author Christopher Fowler’s blog, the collective area in London referred to as Bloomsbury, Holborn, and St. Giles is being “re-branded” in an initiative started by the Business Improvement District; a public/private partnership with Camden Council. Knowing how ‘wonderful’ the PPP arrangement can be from first-hand experience (as well as knowing how nefarious their committee-determined plans can be), one is hardly surprised to hear the new name is “InMidTown”, or simply “MidTown”. Presumably, becuase it’s in the middle of London, right between “The City of London”, where the Financial District is, and the West End where the theatres are. Let’s ignore the fat that they’re cramming words together that ought to have spaces between them but don’t because it’s ‘teh neu sexie’, and press on to more basic questions.

While not in the habit of quoting US Presidents, especially the late Pres. Johnson, one can’t help but recall the grammatically unique statement “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Merely because an area has been referred to using the same name for a century or more doesn’t qualify it immediately for a newly christened label purely to ‘refresh its marketability’. “Rome” seems to do well, as does “Paris” and even “Swansea”. Granted, “New Amsterdam” and “Constantinople” got a new lick of paint at one point, but given that “New York City” was more in keeping with its then-recent influx of English-born settlers, this made sense*. Bloomsbury, Holborn, and St Giles, however, all work perfectly well, and aid in locating where the tube station will deposit one on the street; on some of the A-Z maps it’s actually easier to find a district by seeking the tube station named for it.

Frankly, how anyone can find it difficult to learn the District Names is beyond me. I’ve only visited London (or ‘Londinium’, for those of you born of the Roman occupation era… no names here) two times, and both of about a week’s length with over 18 months betwixt them. In that time I’ve not only learned how to navigate my way through a fair chunk of the central areas, I even learned their names; and in some cases the derivation thereof, which went a fair way to aid in the matter.

I’ve nothing against change; far from it. However if it’s change purely for the sake of, or to assist in selling the same old wine in the same old skin with a brand-new name… well, one wonders just how good the seller thinks the wine is. If it’s all that great, then why was the name change needed? If a dog food company is erroneously thought to be using horse-meat in its product, then they eventually (and quietly) change their name to disassociate themselves from the scandal. In this case, I can’t think of a sexier place to live than Bloomsbury, with its literary heritage and air of artisan-driven business success. Granted, some might consider the fact that all of the Bloomsbury Group was sleeping with just about everyone else in the Bloomsbury Group might be a bit of a down-side to the image, but played right it could be quite the asset in this brave new world of ours. “Romance! Intrigue! Passion! All these can be yours, plus a new Post Code! (10% of purchase as deposit required)”.

It all seems so un-necessary, really. One wonders if the local Councils just need some bucking-up and reassurance that “we love you, really!” and be encouraged to “be proud of who you are!”

BAH! Ridiculous. All those who are opposed to my thoughts are encouraged to bring forth brandy for mne to drink whilst you explain your reasons for doing so.

* Why “Istanbul” was seen as being required for the “Welcome to…” signs is nobody’s business but the Turks’.

Starting with this post, an irregular feature of this blog will be an examination of books with awful titles, awful cover art, or – more frequently – both. This, while hardly a topic which is previously un-heard of, might cause a few people to smirk, chuckle, and chortle. It might also offend some more delicate sensibilities upon occasion, most frequently on an artistic level; there’s certainly no possibility of being offended due to any sexual nature, as it’s impossible to take its content seriously enough for that!

Today’s group of ridiculous covers all have something to do with ‘outer space’. For some odd reason, the early space exploration of the middle-to late 20^th century cause a great number of things to pop into the minds of writers which had nothing to with ‘finding brave new worlds to explore’ or even ‘establishing outposts in distant galaxies in order to better understand the universe in which we live’. Nope, it had all to do with ‘getting it on with alien chicks’. Granted, Captain James T. Kirk’s ability to do so seemingly in every episode of Star Trek around the 25-minute mark is well known, but some of the following examples pre-date that instance by a fair amount.

Rick Random and the S.O.S. from Space

Super Detective Library, Nº115 (January 1958)

Here we see a fairly benign example of what one can do to take advantage of a situation gone wrong when encountering aliens: demonstrate just what a manly man one is, in order to sufficiently impress the chicks so you can ‘get a little something’. Note that the young lady on the left is dressed in much the same style of clothing as the titular hero, so she must be of his team. Unlike the individual to whom he is applying the effective ‘left cross’ to the jaw of, who is attired in a rather unique combination of red flannel skirt (which is a warm fabric but the cut of which is somewhat draughty), as well as fur-trimmed boots and warm-looking hoody. The rather Latin-esque influence of the bandolier on the presumed aliens is odd, as the gentlemen seem to also tote quite tiny side-arms which don’t seem to have enough room for anything in the way of ammunition, never mind a clip containing the bullets which must be contained in each of the sections of the bandolier.

Note the young lady is being held against her will by one of the be-horned aliens (there’s a possible use of symbolism denoting cuckoldry here, but that may be giving the image too much credit). No doubt she will emotionally melt at the sight of the courage of Mr. Random as he defeats the alien hordes, and then treat her rescuer to some sort of display of affection on the journey home. My, aren’t rewards wonderful?

Thrilling Wonder Stories

Vol. 34, Issue Nº1 (April, 1949)

Apparently you can buy your very own copy of this for only $6ºº right here. Plus, if the title by Ray Bradbury in the lower right corner fascinates you enough, there was a TV adaptation based on “The Concrete Mixer” which aired in 1992 as part of The Ray Bradbury Theatre’s fifth season.

But enough of that, we’re here for the cover of this periodical, and it’s unlikely to have anything to do with any of the stories inside this issue. Or maybe it does. Frankly, who cares?

When faced with an æroplane seemingly filled with guys in green-dyed Michelin Man costumes, armed with big rifle-shaped guns and the occasional revolver, and employing some sort of night-vision goggles, the correct attire is based visually on the “french twist” top, high-waisted swim-suit bottom adorned with some sort of gold detailing suggestive of ‘woman is the nurturer of the universe’s creation’ (I think), a train (which is going to get in the way of her ability to effectively defend herself, let’s face it), and carrying some sort of sceptre with a bird on the end of it.

I don’t see this scene ending in anything but tears, frankly. While raping and pillaging is likely, the lady’s future as a leader of any group is certainly about to come to an abrupt end. Let this be a lesson to anyone designing clothing for female leaders of planet-nations: skip the attractive nature of shoulders and mid-riffs, and concentrate on ensuring an ability to easily move about as well as carry a weapon.

Space Swappers, by Dolan James

Scorpio Books (9SC-3505), 1970

Now, frankly, we’re entering the area of “silly and blatant use of space as setting for anything we came up with last time, only we need to make it seem new somehow so as to sell things in an ‘old wine in a new skin’ sense of the thing”. A long explanation for what is basically a simple idea: ‘same shit, different package’.

Here, finally, we get to share in the experience with “getting it on with an alien babe”, just as God intended us to do when he created the rest of our galaxy. The two male characters of the tale arrive on the surface of Mars and find it to be some sort of Club Med located on the red planet, peopled quite logically by humanoids who happen to have green skin. Presumably all the other ‘girl bits’ are fully functional, as the bosoms on the cover attest to a fair amount of female normality.

What interests me is the tag-line’s suggestion that these two fellows had actually run out of opportunities on the third planet from the Sun for nookie, and decided that pointy-eared alien babes were the only option. How, pray-tell, does one come to this conclusion, given the entire world’s population is probably 65% female? While even allowing for 2/3 of all females being either far too old or young for the acceptable tastes of the two men, that’s still a great number of people with whom to “have connections with”. Either they had access to some sort of temporal time-shit device in order to ‘make the most of the male prime sexual years’ or they were ignoring a good number of entire continents containing ‘foreign females’. Why can’t these boys stick to their own kind; the sort of women who stands on the same God-given planet as themselves, eh? Shameful, I say; SHAMEFUL!

Given that this book came out in 1970, it’s certainly likely that Captain Kirk’s behaviour pattern was of great influence to the gentlemen. Perhaps they were jealous of his success rate? Only readers of the book might be able to answer this question. If you are one of these individuals who have assigned some time and effort to the perusal of this volume, please keep the information to yourself. My life is far too short to hear the details.

Of additional concern is that tag-line ending in either an “hyphen” or an “em-dash”. What’s that there for? Those are used to separate clauses from the rest of the sentence, and using one at the end of one suggests something is missing! Is the picture below supposed to provide the “thousand words” of the thought which was interrupted after “…they had to go”? While “…and make out with green women” might be an apt conclusion, it’s hardly 1,000-words-long, is it? Perhaps “OUT OF THIS WORLD!” was supposed to be in italics, and that typesetting convention didn’t get interpreted correctly?

If the merits of the book’s insides interest you, head here for a review. Lord knows why, but you might actually want to. Sadly, the reviewer cannot spell the surname of the author correctly, however, so their view of the book’s literary quality might be affected in your eyes as a result.

Those Sexy Saucer People, by Jan Hudson

Greenleaf Classics, Inc. (GC2220), 1967

The Day the Universe Came, by Ray Kalnen

Corinth Publications / A Nightstand Book (NB1889), 1968

Zero Gravity Swap, by Cal I. Pygaster

Candid (CA1030), 1970

Starship Intercourse, by William Maltese

Greenleaf Classics / A Companion Book (CB702), 1971

The fact that these titles all came out around the busiest period of the NASA Moon programme, Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, and David Bowie’s single “Space Oddity” with it’s message for “Major Tom” in some sort of space-destined mission is hardly co-incidental. Space was – ironically, for the vacuum nature of the place – hot at the time and anything a publisher could do to cash in on the fascination people had with things above was seen as worth the doing. Oddly, the same approach wasn’t taken during the UFO-filled period of the late-1950s and early ’60s, but we do detect an echo of that in the title of Those Sexy Saucer People, as well as a fairly un-subtle play on the title of the 1951 film The Day the Earth Stood Still (itself rather un-subtle in its polemic-filled message of universal acceptance of others; although a message seemingly un-heeded even today).

Much of what we see is all of a piece on these covers. Reality and accuracy to what any sort of practicality of space-travel held or what life in zero– or near-zero-gravity would hold is not simply ignored, but grasped firmly by the scruff of the neck, bludgeoned until incomprehensible, shoved into an air-lock, then defenestrated into the atmospheric void of space, hopefully exploding in the process. The closest any of these images approaches an acceptable level of disbelief which one might successfully suspend in one’s mind is either Zero Gravity Swap (although the arm-band and point of origin of the ‘space babe’ is questionable) or The Day the Universe Came (which has its own problems with the use of day-glo pink zinc-oxide on the noses of people long before it became popular with the California surfers in the mid-80s, and the space-suits being apparently supplied from items left from the closing of Hugh Heffner’s clubs around the world).

Frankly, sex being attempted in zero gravity might be an intriguing concept to ponder, but the reality has to be far too much work to bother with, surely? Let’s face it, we’re used to gravity aiding in the activity, and its absence has to be a massive obstacle to overcome (and there was a good 90-seconds spent trying to think of a word to replace that last one, let me tell you).

The amazing things that we are told by Starship Intercourse include the fact that one can wear the skimpiest of bathing suits over one’s skin in outer space, but as long as one’s head is in a fish bowl, you’ll never freeze to death; although it appears that zero-gravity has a disturbing effect on ladies nipples, causing them to resemble either a cow’s udder or the greatest extreme in bathroom plungers.

Meanwhile, over on the front of Those Sexy Saucer People, it seems that aliens are here to take our women’s precious innocence and convert it into some green substance; whose meniscus is as hard as concrete, so as to remain level in relation to the container and not according to any gravitational force of the bearer. They have probably seduced their victims by use of their superior height, lack of trousers, and the fact that pointy ears on a humanoid who still requires the use of a breathing helmet turns on an astonishing number of earth’s women. Who knew? If only we had that information before they arrived, the Earth wouldn’t be threatened by aliens every week-end as it is now.

Hopefully today we’ve all learned a little more about our future bed-mates: aliens. If you have had an experience with an other-worldly individual in the beautiful art of love-making, please do not hesitate to pass on every single detail of the encounter to anyone by me. Thank you.