You're My North Star When I'm Lost and Feeling Blue
Posted by I.A.M. in BLOG-O-RAMA, FantasyCon, Guy Adams, Humour, LIT-O-RAMA, NEWS, Personal, rant, THINKINESSI’ve passed excited, then terrified, and am now at the point of “can’t we just get this fucking over with so I can relax and drink wine in Spain?”
I’m sure as the æroplane’s tyres leave the tarmac I shall be filled with my typical thought:
WHAT AM I DOING? THIS IS ALL WRONG!! THIS THING SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO THIS! WHY IS THE HUGE, HEAVY OBJECT RISING FROM THE GROUND?!? WE BELONG DOWN THERE, NOT UP HERE DEFYING ALL THE GOD-GIVEN PHYSICAL LAWS!!
Later on I’ll turn to wondering if the mechanics of the ‘plane will fail, a bomb will be ignited, some wack-o will attack the pilot(s), or a crate of serpents will be opened in the hold. The flight’s 9½ hours… there’s a lot that can be worried about during 9½ hours… and I’m an over-achiever, so…
Am I nervous? Not really, just one possessing a logical mind. I sit in a seat, look out the window, the plane leaves the ground, I realize I am now 300 feet up, humans aren’t built for that, I comprehend things are wrong, and logically panic. Fairly straight-forward.
Granted, once the plane’s up, I’m fine; it’s the time before the ground becomes so far away it looks like a satellite map that I’m a bit uncomfortable. Landing and taking off are, after all, 95% of all the times anything can — and usually does — go wrong on a flight. Let’s face it, trans-Atlantic mid-air collisions are not ten to the penny. Badly placing an A330 in the middle of some built-up area of Norwich, however, is a bit more statistically likely.
Am I used to long travel? Hell no. I’m able to recall every single time I’ve travelled by plane with crystal clarity. They number only four total occasions (in round trip terms), the most recent when I met Jennifer in California nine years ago [image from the trip, left]; the first being when I was four or so and we flew about as far as London to Paris.
Yes, really.
The advice I’ve heard about dealing with jet-lag, etc is much like what Cotts advised me to do:
There is a fairly simple answer to making the flight better for yourself and unsurprisingly it is ‘Cure All’! I implemented such a plan when flying back from the US a couple of weeks ago. Don’t be afraid to ask for more than one drink when they come round in the beginning of the flight, I found that 2 large Gin and Tonics and and airline sized bottle of wine did the trick. After that, you will eat your somewhat tasteless meal and be asleep before you know it. Job done.
A fine plan, except that I’ll be flying on an airline where they demand payment for their tiny servings, but according to him, the better price is had paying in Dollars than Sterling. No idea why, but apparently the price is better.
Anyway, the procedure I’m intending to follow doesn’t involve the cure-all. Eat lightly or snack/graze, drink much liquid (juice, water, etc) but no liquor, stay awake or nap lightly, arrive and eat the local meal at the correct hour, then sleep at the same schedule as the locals.
Ta-da; instant native adjustment. I’m told.
However, I have a nine-hour-plus flight that leaves at almost 9:00pm local time, arrive in the early afternoon at Gatwick on the Saturday, then drive up the motorway to Stratford (getting out of Greater London as fast as possible to avoid the gits who drive the area blind-folded… and may actually do so). So maybe the cure is good to put me to sleep, then wake-up on the plane at 8:00am GMT, and then adjust from there?
It seems that plans are well under-way for welcoming committees to line the streets of Shakespeare’s Stratford upon my arrival. According to our man on the ground there, the locals have been constructing a triumphal arch in the main street, the hotel is altering its menu to include a salmon course to be followed by maple syrup marinated caribou steaks then dessert of raspberry pie with Canadian cheddar on top. All accompanied with a flight of Okanagan wine, naturally.
The local shops will have “Grade, Eh?” sales as well, with prices of “whatever you can carry out is free” for anyone carrying a valid Canadian passport. Looking forward to getting my own Jester’s cap with jingling bells.
Then, on to FantasyCon, which is September the 21st through the 23rd inclusive, at the Britannia Nottingham Hotel (formally Holiday Inn Nottingham City Centre part of the Intercontinental Group), #1 St James Street, Nottingham [image, below left], and we’re staying there as well as the events being held in the convention rooms due to it being, according to the promotional bumpf:
…the city’s premier hotel. Adjacent to Nottingham Castle, it has a superb city centre location and is the perfect base for exploring all the sights of Nottingham.
The hotel is situated near to Nottingham Castle, Trent Bridge Cricket Ground, Victoria Shopping Centre and the Nottingham City business district, proving an ideal location for both business and pleasure. Nottingham is also renowned for its vibrant and popular nightlife.
Night life which includes being dragged up an alley and getting the boots, apparently. The city has the distinction as being ‘one of England’s Hard Cities’. Never saw having six types of shit out of one’s body as either “popular” or “vibrant”, but I suppose it takes all sorts…
Somewhere in the hotel will be the “Dealers’ Room” for the British Fantasy Society’s “FantasyCon”, or failing that we’ll be in the hotel’s pub. Friday we’re out for curry around 10:30 with a gang of famous authors (well, “industry fame”, not popular variety) but we’ll be easy to spot either earlier that evening or the next day. I’m sure asking at the desk during the event will cause them to roll their eyes and beg you to drag us from the building so that their rooms will be in fewer pieces.
And let’s look at those rooms…
All bedrooms are maintained to a high standard, and are decorated in a bright, and contemporary style. All beds now feature a luxury duvet and cotton bedcovers.
If that’s the way my room’s decorated, there’s no way I won’t wake up quickly in the morning. ‘Strooth! Turn on the light and I’ll be alert, that’s for sure! Hangovers will be especially painful, I expect.
Speaking of which, I’m told that last year, the hotel’s pub (Calahan’s [image, below left]) ran out of beer on the first evening. Literally ran dry of beer. The amount they had on hand they expected was to last the entire week-end. But it was tapped-out after one evening. The pub didn’t re-open until they had received a new delivery from the brewers the next day. This was deemed to be “far too late in the day” and it ought to have re-opened far earlier than 11:00 to quell the complaints.
That’s 11:00 in the morning.
No, that’s not hyperbole.
“It’s quite disturbing how much these people can drink”, as The Velvet Prince says.
I intend to blog from there as access and brain-clarity permit. Here’s hoping.
Table of contents for the series “The European Caper [2007]”
- You’re My North Star When I’m Lost and Feeling Blue
- On Merry England’s Far Famed Land
May Kind Heaven Sweetly Smile - And Did Those Feet in Ancient Time (The UK, Day II)
- Tweltfth Night a Hit! A Palpable Hit!
- Let’s lock the door and throw away the key now
(shom dooby-dum dooby-dum-dum) - Frank put on a top forty station,
got on the Hollywood Freeway,
headed north… (The UK, Day V) - How do you build a book…? (The UK, Day VI)
Ian Alexander Martin [
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Do slender lorises and sportive lemurs drink a lot?
>but no liquor
Are you MAD, man? What did we tell you about the BEER button??!?
1) Drink a little liquor, but do not get hammered
2) Try to sleep for 4 or so hours on the plane
Once you arrive stay awake until ‘normal’ UK bed-time. 10pm or so. Then go to sleep.
The sleep you get on the plane will help you function on arrival, but you’ll still be tired enough to sleep at UK bedtime.
PS My father always spelled it “strewth.”
The button above your head that looks like a little steward but is actually the “order beer” function only really works on British Airways. On AirTransat (my carrier), that little button will only work if you hand them money at some point. I’m tempted to follow the suggestion of Cotts in the quoted text above, but as I’m getting behind the wheel of a European Mid-Size after stumbling my way out of Gatwick’s Southern Terminal at around 7:00 PST, I’m a little concerned about hoisting a couple. Especially in a pressurized cabin. Plus there’s planty of opportunities to get quite hammered once I get there. Far too many really. Especially with damned good wine in Spain running no more than €4 the 1½?…
And as the word in question is an abbreviation of “God’s Truth” I’ve spelt it wrong. It makes sense that it’s actually like this: ’struth or ’strewth. Silly me not to have consulted Oxford’s before tippie-typing. I thank ‘ee, Sirrah! [tips hat, tugs forelock for good measure]
>as I’m getting behind the wheel of a European Mid-Size
>after stumbling my way out of Gatwick’s Southern Terminal at around 7:00 PST
Oh yeah, one other tip: If you can afford the few extra shilling, try to get a hire-car with a GPS navigation system. It’s much easier shifting gears in a roundabout (on the wrong side of the road) when one is listening to a refined english accent telling you which outlet to take.
Well, I’ve booked the motor through National UK, and have paid for “Compact with Automatic Transmission”, yet am getting “Complimentary Up-Grade to Mid-Size Opel Vectra or Similar”. If that’s got GPS, I’m set. If not, I’ve got this AA Guide.
And, it seems that the GM/Vauxhall Opel Vectra comes equipped with GPS SatNav as standard only on the Élite Nav model (priced from £20,940), the SRi Nav (£18,015) and SRi Nav XP [hmm… wonder if there’s a Mac OSX version?] (£18,925… ). So… I suppose I’ll have to hope for “or similar” to have GPS.
Get the narrowest car you can. Remember what I told you about street widths in Spain? Not much better in blighty, really.
I am here to complement your orthography; in particular, the excellent usage of the word “æroplane”.
Thanks, Cap’n. I’m glad someone noticed the liason.
And I’m getting the car they’re giving me. I’m not planning to rip off the treasury shipment, nor am I entering London in any way. I’ll spend more time on the M4 than the streets per se of King’s Lynn, Stratford (the real one), or Nottingham. Rally-driving is also a bit unlikely. What is likely is this.
>I’m getting the car they’re giving me
Right, and I’m saying if they offer to ‘upgrade you for free’ to a bigger car you should decline and take a smaller car, if possible. You’ll still need to park it etc.
Ah, yes. Now I see.
Beg your pardon, that makes sense now.
So, given the above that I have paid for “Compact with Automatic Transmission”, yet am getting “Complimentary Up-Grade to Mid-Size Opel Vectra or Similar”… do you suggest that I arrive in the South Terminal of Gatwick, approach the National UK desk and say something like “jeepers, that’s swell, but I’m a little guy… couldn’t you just give me a totally tiny sub-mini-compact smart4two or something (as long as it’s got an auto-tranny and GPS)? That’d be nifty-galifty!”?
Might be wise, but I’m not sure whether they’ve got anything like that, or it’s realistic to request auto-gears and GPS on a motor that’s wee…
Booze is the way forward, you know it makes sense.
If you are on a 9.5 hour flight and you process 1 unit of alcohol an hour (a single gin or a small glass of wine), then you can have a good five or six units to send you to sleep and you won’t suffer from a hangover or still be pis*ed when you land. However, you will be relaxed enough to sleep for most of the way over. If you are taking off at night and landing in the UK at 08:00, you will need to sleep quite a bit, or you will feel like total crap for your first day in the UK and risk falling assleep at the wheel. USE THE BEER BUTTON MAN, (but leave the beer and stick to G&T, or else you will need to go to the loo far too much and it will ruin your sleep).
Honestly, I have thought this through. Can you tell?
>do you suggest that I arrive in the South Terminal of Gatwick,
>approach the National UK desk and say something like [snip]
Yep, precisely. Not sure how lucky you’ll be with the automatic gearbox though.
In terms of sleep, the other items that should be in your carry-on are earplugs and a sleep mask.
Slate.com had a good review of earplugs recently:
http://slate.com/id/2118800
As a regular earplug user, what I think is crucial is correct insertion. For example, when I’m on a flight I see a lot of people just “cramming” the foam plugs in their ears, as opposed to rolling them into a compressed cylinder, pulling on the ear, and placing them deep down into the ear canal so they can expand properly. Makes a HUGE difference.
Bring a couple of pairs — If one pops out in the night you can ignore it and just put another one in.
The sleep mask will also help with the darkness.
PS http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showthread.php?t=471203