Uncle Warren is Watching

Because the thought that ‘Warren Ellis is staring in the window of my flat in order to determine what exactly I need to be told’ amuses me, here’s something from the very last bit of this week’s Orbital Operations:

Take care of yourself, avoid death, and find pleasure in the little things.

The newsletter about what he’s doing (or not doing, because he’s so busy just now) is where this is from. You will subscribe by clicking here: http://orbitaloperations.com/

You’re welcome. Again.

…and thank you, Uncle Warren.

Dean Del Mastro

what a fucking scum-bag

Dean Del Mastro [from his web-​site]

Former Conservative MP Dean Del Mastro [image, right] is a fucking scum-​bag.

I have no problem saying this, as it’s just my opinion.

He’s been convicted of every single charge laid against him about breaking the election act during the 2008 campaign. He was also convicted of falsifying a document attempting to cover-​up the fact. The Judge’s ruling was scathing:

In her decision, Judge Lisa Cameron said that in her view, from the timing of the contract and its language, it “is plainly a contract for election services.”

She also said that she found Del Mastro wasn’t credible, “frequently obfuscated” during his testimony and that there were a number of inconsistencies.

Here’s how recalcitrant he was right after the decision was given, amid suggesting that there would be an appeal filed (although his lawyer downplayed the idea):

The judge’s ruling “was not a final decision,” he added.

I’ve in no way broken any of the laws governing elections.”

He seemed unfazed by the judge’s finding that his testimony wasn’t credible.

I know what the truth is. That’s her opinion. My opinion is quite different.”

So… again, my opinion is that he’s a fucking scum-​bag. He should be able to ignore me just as easily as he is Her Majesty’s laws.

Mood: irate

Something to Always Remember

Once more Warren Ellis says the right thing for me to hear, and the right time for me to hear it.

Have a great week. And if it’s a shitty week? This too will pass. There has been joy. There will be joy again.

Thank you, kind sir.

He has a newsletter about what he’s doing (or not doing, because he’s so busy just now). You will subscribe by clicking here: http://orbitaloperations.com/

You’re welcome.

Mood: tired
Book: Onward: How Starbucks Fought for its Life Without Losing its Soul, Howard Schultz (with Joanne Gordon); Rodale, March 2011 [ISBN:978160961346]

The New Now

Odd note on discarded door in my car park.

Odd note on discarded door in my car park.

The last year or two has been a tad tumultuous, as some of you know. The end result of everything has been that I no longer live with anyone, as my wife and I are now separated.

While I shared the house with her since the end of January 2013, I had my own bedroom in the basement. It wasn’t an ugly experience filled with you suck! no, you suck more!! conversations, thankfully, but it was one which most likely tried everyone’s patience equally. It’s difficult to actually feel as though you really are your own person when your ex-​spouse-​to-​be¹ is still only a few metres and one floor/​ceiling away from you.

New place, new observations:

Less is more, and that’s awesome! I’ve pared down to what I actually need, without much of the detritus of a nearly half-​century of life cluttering-​up the place.

But yet, organising it all is tough sometimes: where does the desk go (which doesn’t even exist)? What do you move or clean first?



At one point, I didn’t yet own:

  • tea pot/​kettle
  • baking pans/​sheets
  • ice cream scoop (WTF?!)
  • broom
  • toaster [since rectified; photo, right]
  • coffee maker/​bodum/​french press [since rectified]
  • nail clippers [since rectified]
  • spatulas [since rectified]
  • wine glasses [since rectified]
  • highballs [since rectified]
  • steam iron (but I do have a new ironing board… WTH?) [since rectified]

LifeHacker–style Pro tip: if you don’t have – but need – a broom then substitute… a broom. Essentially, there isn’t one. You’re SOL, Sparky.

Also: this is fatness central, as inside a maximum of three blocks there are two of the breweries, as well as…

  • Dairy Queen
  • 7-​Eleven (open 24 hours, perfect for jelly-​babies and/​or licorice at 2:45 AM)
  • Convenience Store
  • Domino’s Pizza
  • McDonald’s
  • Little Caesar’s Pizza
  • On Lok
  • A&W
  • JJ Bean Coffee


  • Foreign Auto Parts (20% off windshield wipers this week!)
  • a tattoo parlour (seems closed with a note to someone posted on the door about a “new key: see mgnt”)
  • at least two gas stations

More thoughts to come.

¹ If someone can come-​up with a better Proper Title for that situation, it would be appreciated. [back]

Mood: accomplished
Music: Discovery, Electric Light Orchestra [Released 31 May (UK) /​8 June 1979 (US); Jet]
Book: Onward: How Starbucks Fought for its Life Without Losing its Soul, Howard Schultz (with Joanne Gordon); Rodale, March 2011 [ISBN:978160961346]

Love From Afar

By Allied Artists (Wikipedia in English) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Screenshot from trailer for the movie The Big Combo (1955); by Allied Artists (Wikipedia in English) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

This morning brought an unsolicited eMail from someone I’ve never heard from before, nor did I ask to. They were uncommonly forward in their way of communicating their intentions, as well.

That’s right: SPAM.

Let’s un-​pack this, shall we?

Hallo, dear gentleman!

I’m not entirely sure how I am already dear to her – for the writer is female, as we’ll soon discover – nor how she knows I’m a gentleman, but let’s pass over this in favour of richer rewards.

I have no hesitations that there is a a regular male who is able to appreciate me, respect me, treat me well and make me happy.

I heartily agree there is a male for you as you describe them. A verb would be good, however, clarifying you believe, say, or even wish there were a man such as you describe.

Grammatical matters aside, it’s quite probable that if you are writing to me seeking “a a [sic] regular male,” you are likely to be sorrowfully disappointed. I am, you see, an exceptional male.

I am a relation-​free character and I ‘m unhappy!

If you were in a movie or book, you might have a problem there, being a character and all that. However, as you’re not, it sounds a bit more like you’re clarifying to not have a communicable disease. Sadly, you actually want this relation it seems, so I’m a might-​bit confused.

Perhaps this explains the lack of joy in your life?

I miss your attention and fondling so much!

This is a quite disturbing and downright perplexing statement as I don’t know you in the slightest, and yet you claim to have knowledge of me having intimate knowledge of you and your physical body. When was this and how drunk was I at the time?

Is this part of your unhappy state? You are continuing to live in a dream-​state as your dissatisfaction with reality has driven you to eschew all awareness of the world around you, and have thrown open the door to ‘the other reality’ and have left us never to return?

How shall I ever meet you, if this is the case?

I dare and offer you one thing:

Therein lies your first mistake: never dare me to do something.

I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Come now, your one thing.*

I have a dream to try and start intercourse with you with the aim of creating a real adult affair with you.

It really depends on your definition of affair – and Lord only knows what an ‘adult’ one might be, as the nature of them requires people to be pretty damned adult-​like to begin with –but I’d say that if you realize your dream and actually start intercourse with me, you’ve pretty much succeeded in having an affair with me. This ‘real’ qualifier might be something of a tip-​off, however; we may be talking about cyber-​sex here.

Definitely as long as you reject this thought!

Well, actually, until such time as I make this dream come true, yes, you will have to continue dreaming about it, yes. Well done you on developing the most basic of critical thinking skills.

Well… actually, it’s more like basic of thinking skills, but each little success deserves to be celebrated, does it not?

Oh, I am so sorry! I forget to introduce myself! My name is Katrin!.
am a young jovial, zippy, passionate and caring type!

Ah yes, a lovely name, now I can start wondering with some specificity “what the fuck is wrong with this Katrin, and why does she think I’m so stupid?!?!”

The description of herself is intriguing, however. As long as she’s not too young (half ones age, then add seven to avoid ‘Creepy Uncle Syndrome’), someone who is both jovial and passionate sounds attractive indeed. “zippy,” however, seems a bit less than usual in its popularity, so one might want to find a better word to describe oneself, yes?

By the way, Katrin, the definite pronoun “I” is what you were thinking was missing from that second sentence. Because it is. As is at least one comma, and two if – like myself – you a supporter of the Oxford Comma.

I am living with a feeble hope you will answer my cry for help, you will not delete it without reading and our keeping in touch will go on.

Firstly, one should never describe oneself as “feeble,” Katrin, but in your case I’m willing to make an exception. Please, yes, give up.

I have, however, actually read your note, so perhaps you have actually won in this war of the heart. The likelihood of our keeping on touching each other seems pretty damned slim, however.

I will be looking forward to your message soon.

At what point specifically are you going to begin looking forward to my message, Katrin? About the same time you stop looking forward to meeting Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, and JFK?

Have a good day!

I’ve already quite enjoyed this morning, as I’ve been inspired to write this post. So I am the one who thanks you.

Thinking of you, Katrin, your new girlfriend from Russia!

Firstly, Katrin seems to be addressing herself, which is a bit post-​modernistic.

Secondly, I wasn’t aware I had an old girlfriend from Russia. You learn something new every day, it is said…


* William Shakespeare, Pericles; Act 4, Scene vi, spoken by Boult [go back]