Love From Afar

By Allied Artists (Wikipedia in English) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Screenshot from trailer for the movie The Big Combo (1955); by Allied Artists (Wikipedia in English) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

This morning brought an unsolicited eMail from someone I’ve never heard from before, nor did I ask to. They were uncommonly forward in their way of communicating their intentions, as well.

That’s right: SPAM.

Let’s un-​pack this, shall we?

Hallo, dear gentleman!

I’m not entirely sure how I am already dear to her – for the writer is female, as we’ll soon discover – nor how she knows I’m a gentleman, but let’s pass over this in favour of richer rewards.

I have no hesitations that there is a a regular male who is able to appreciate me, respect me, treat me well and make me happy.

I heartily agree there is a male for you as you describe them. A verb would be good, however, clarifying you believe, say, or even wish there were a man such as you describe.

Grammatical matters aside, it’s quite probable that if you are writing to me seeking “a a [sic] regular male,” you are likely to be sorrowfully disappointed. I am, you see, an exceptional male.

I am a relation-​free character and I ‘m unhappy!

If you were in a movie or book, you might have a problem there, being a character and all that. However, as you’re not, it sounds a bit more like you’re clarifying to not have a communicable disease. Sadly, you actually want this relation it seems, so I’m a might-​bit confused.

Perhaps this explains the lack of joy in your life?

I miss your attention and fondling so much!

This is a quite disturbing and downright perplexing statement as I don’t know you in the slightest, and yet you claim to have knowledge of me having intimate knowledge of you and your physical body. When was this and how drunk was I at the time?

Is this part of your unhappy state? You are continuing to live in a dream-​state as your dissatisfaction with reality has driven you to eschew all awareness of the world around you, and have thrown open the door to ‘the other reality’ and have left us never to return?

How shall I ever meet you, if this is the case?

I dare and offer you one thing:

Therein lies your first mistake: never dare me to do something.

I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Come now, your one thing.*

I have a dream to try and start intercourse with you with the aim of creating a real adult affair with you.

It really depends on your definition of affair – and Lord only knows what an ‘adult’ one might be, as the nature of them requires people to be pretty damned adult-​like to begin with –but I’d say that if you realize your dream and actually start intercourse with me, you’ve pretty much succeeded in having an affair with me. This ‘real’ qualifier might be something of a tip-​off, however; we may be talking about cyber-​sex here.

Definitely as long as you reject this thought!

Well, actually, until such time as I make this dream come true, yes, you will have to continue dreaming about it, yes. Well done you on developing the most basic of critical thinking skills.

Well… actually, it’s more like basic of thinking skills, but each little success deserves to be celebrated, does it not?

Oh, I am so sorry! I forget to introduce myself! My name is Katrin!.
am a young jovial, zippy, passionate and caring type!

Ah yes, a lovely name, now I can start wondering with some specificity “what the fuck is wrong with this Katrin, and why does she think I’m so stupid?!?!”

The description of herself is intriguing, however. As long as she’s not too young (half ones age, then add seven to avoid ‘Creepy Uncle Syndrome’), someone who is both jovial and passionate sounds attractive indeed. “zippy,” however, seems a bit less than usual in its popularity, so one might want to find a better word to describe oneself, yes?

By the way, Katrin, the definite pronoun “I” is what you were thinking was missing from that second sentence. Because it is. As is at least one comma, and two if – like myself – you a supporter of the Oxford Comma.

I am living with a feeble hope you will answer my cry for help, you will not delete it without reading and our keeping in touch will go on.

Firstly, one should never describe oneself as “feeble,” Katrin, but in your case I’m willing to make an exception. Please, yes, give up.

I have, however, actually read your note, so perhaps you have actually won in this war of the heart. The likelihood of our keeping on touching each other seems pretty damned slim, however.

I will be looking forward to your message soon.

At what point specifically are you going to begin looking forward to my message, Katrin? About the same time you stop looking forward to meeting Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, and JFK?

Have a good day!

I’ve already quite enjoyed this morning, as I’ve been inspired to write this post. So I am the one who thanks you.

Thinking of you, Katrin, your new girlfriend from Russia!

Firstly, Katrin seems to be addressing herself, which is a bit post-​modernistic.

Secondly, I wasn’t aware I had an old girlfriend from Russia. You learn something new every day, it is said…


.

* William Shakespeare, Pericles; Act 4, Scene vi, spoken by Boult [go back]

Be. Here. Now. Or. Be. Square. Always.

Warren Ellis, photographed by Ellen J Rogers.

Mr. Warren Ellis, author-​type person [photographed by Ms. Ellen J Rogers, artistic-​type person]

Sometimes, Warren Ellis is the deepest, most Buddha-​like individual one could imagine.

He was very much in that mode when writing this short post on his daily ‘focus the mind first thing in the morning’ blog. You may wish to read that before continuing with my ramblings.

A few months ago, I became 48 years old. What have I done with my time on this planet, I asked myself. I usually ask myself roughly this question each year, and nearly every single time consider myself to be a complete and abject failure in regards to ‘anything worthwhile.’ ¹

Certainly, I’ve made some books happen, but often poo-​poo that accomplishment as being insubstantial; they could have been released by others, possibly being of better quality or more been more widely known as a result. Which could be true. It could also be bollocks.

The relevant point here is simple: no one has a clue whether or not it’s the case.

The fact of the matter is that – unlike Mr. Ellis so far, or Philip Seymour Hoffman ever – I have survived this ‘life’ thing for forty-​eight years. It is irrelevant that many people know about Mr. Ellis, and that far more people than that have heard of Mr. Hoffman. This does not make those men greater than myself, nor am I somehow lesser than they for the same reason. The amount of money, fame, influence, or fanatical consumers of artistic output of those two individuals aside (which may necessitate the use of several wagons to accomplish the shifting of), the three of us are quite simply just men. People. Thinky-​types. Mr. Ellis writes words. Mr. Hoffman acted words. I have acted words and now publish words.

Yet…

I’d like to be able to point at something and declare proudly I did that, have some complete stranger look at me with wonder in their eyes, and thus justify my efforts to bring it to reality. That’s something, that is.

Recognition for the work from an entirely un-​biased person who judges not my character, or my charm, or has any of their perception skewed by friendship or even passing acquaintance with me as a person. Just the work itself.

Somehow it makes one feel more real as a result; more worthwhile as a person.

One needs to make something of oneself in this world, you know?


.

¹ This is why they call it “chronic depression.” [jump back]

Mood: thoughtful
Book: More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert [Thorntree Press, September 2nd 2014, ISBN 9780991399703]

Swimsuit Shopping

Women frequently bemoan the complexity of shopping for clothing. Most loathed is the swimsuit, but any wardrobe shopping is approached as a saga akin to the Labours of Hercules–or dodekathlon in Greek for those who didn’t study Classics in University – as well they should, really. The variety of styles, models, body types, colours, seasonal changes, and on and on… well, it’s basically a cluster-​fuck of failure for the simple reason that none of the clothes on offer are designed with an actual female in mind.

If you happen to be barely past your menarche then you may be in luck. Possibly. Chances are you’re too late as it is.

Anyway…

I decided to discover what the male version of this might be, and decided to live tweet the experience of the most challenging option going: the swimsuit.

What follows is a transcript of relevant material from the event.

Enjoy.

Continue reading

Mood: accomplished
Music: Peter Gabriel (et al), Scratch My Back /​And I’ll Scratch Yours, [2013]
Book: More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert [Thorntree Press, September 2nd 2014, ISBN 9780991399703]

Ian Alexander Martin

Thursday, 12 June; 2014

There are times that the mind wanders over previous events… and suddenly I despise myself even more than a moment before.

Mood: frustrated
Music: “Radio Free Europe,” REM, Left of the Dial: Dispatches from the ‘80s Underground
Book: More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert [Thorntree Press, September 2nd 2014, ISBN 9780991399703]

Looking for a Man Friday with three decades in retail, customer service, marketing, small business, transport, photography, darkroom, book publishing, word editing, basic layout and heavy-​duty typesetting, computer wizardry, web programming, stage and screen acting, voice-​over, theatre and film production, sound design, filing, Adobe Creative Suite, Windows 3.1 through Windows 7 plus some Mac OSX and iOS, consumer-​level help-​desk technical support, movie trivia, plus can mix a mean martini and knows more about jazz history than people 50% older? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER!!

Or fill in this: