Screenshot from trailer for the movie The Big Combo (1955); by Allied Artists (Wikipedia in English) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
This morning brought an unsolicited eMail from someone I’ve never heard from before, nor did I ask to. They were uncommonly forward in their way of communicating their intentions, as well.
That’s right: SPAM.
Let’s un-pack this, shall we?
Hallo, dear gentleman!
I’m not entirely sure how I am already dear to her – for the writer is female, as we’ll soon discover – nor how she knows I’m a gentleman, but let’s pass over this in favour of richer rewards.
I have no hesitations that there is a a regular male who is able to appreciate me, respect me, treat me well and make me happy.
I heartily agree there is a male for you as you describe them. A verb would be good, however, clarifying you believe, say, or even wish there were a man such as you describe.
Grammatical matters aside, it’s quite probable that if you are writing to me seeking “a a [sic] regular male,” you are likely to be sorrowfully disappointed. I am, you see, an exceptional male.
I am a relation-free character and I ‘m unhappy!
If you were in a movie or book, you might have a problem there, being a character and all that. However, as you’re not, it sounds a bit more like you’re clarifying to not have a communicable disease. Sadly, you actually want this relation it seems, so I’m a might-bit confused.
Perhaps this explains the lack of joy in your life?
I miss your attention and fondling so much!
This is a quite disturbing and downright perplexing statement as I don’t know you in the slightest, and yet you claim to have knowledge of me having intimate knowledge of you and your physical body. When was this and how drunk was I at the time?
Is this part of your unhappy state? You are continuing to live in a dream-state as your dissatisfaction with reality has driven you to eschew all awareness of the world around you, and have thrown open the door to ‘the other reality’ and have left us never to return?
How shall I ever meet you, if this is the case?
I dare and offer you one thing:
Therein lies your first mistake: never dare me to do something.
I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Come now, your one thing.*
I have a dream to try and start intercourse with you with the aim of creating a real adult affair with you.
It really depends on your definition of affair – and Lord only knows what an ‘adult’ one might be, as the nature of them requires people to be pretty damned adult-like to begin with –but I’d say that if you realize your dream and actually start intercourse with me, you’ve pretty much succeeded in having an affair with me. This ‘real’ qualifier might be something of a tip-off, however; we may be talking about cyber-sex here.
Definitely as long as you reject this thought!
Well, actually, until such time as I make this dream come true, yes, you will have to continue dreaming about it, yes. Well done you on developing the most basic of critical thinking skills.
Well… actually, it’s more like basic of thinking skills, but each little success deserves to be celebrated, does it not?
Oh, I am so sorry! I forget to introduce myself! My name is Katrin!.
am a young jovial, zippy, passionate and caring type!
Ah yes, a lovely name, now I can start wondering with some specificity “what the fuck is wrong with this Katrin, and why does she think I’m so stupid?!?!”
The description of herself is intriguing, however. As long as she’s not too young (half ones age, then add seven to avoid ‘Creepy Uncle Syndrome’), someone who is both jovial and passionate sounds attractive indeed. “zippy,” however, seems a bit less than usual in its popularity, so one might want to find a better word to describe oneself, yes?
By the way, Katrin, the definite pronoun “I” is what you were thinking was missing from that second sentence. Because it is. As is at least one comma, and two if – like myself – you a supporter of the Oxford Comma.
I am living with a feeble hope you will answer my cry for help, you will not delete it without reading and our keeping in touch will go on.
Firstly, one should never describe oneself as “feeble,” Katrin, but in your case I’m willing to make an exception. Please, yes, give up.
I have, however, actually read your note, so perhaps you have actually won in this war of the heart. The likelihood of our keeping on touching each other seems pretty damned slim, however.
I will be looking forward to your message soon.
At what point specifically are you going to begin looking forward to my message, Katrin? About the same time you stop looking forward to meeting Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, and JFK?
Have a good day!
I’ve already quite enjoyed this morning, as I’ve been inspired to write this post. So I am the one who thanks you.
Thinking of you, Katrin, your new girlfriend from Russia!
Firstly, Katrin seems to be addressing herself, which is a bit post-modernistic.
Secondly, I wasn’t aware I had an old girlfriend from Russia. You learn something new every day, it is said…
* William Shakespeare, Pericles; Act 4, Scene vi, spoken by Boult [go back]